The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Alan Minter
I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted.
George Best
Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country.
Ian Rush
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
Mark Twain
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Phillips
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Jennifer Unlimited
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
Gilbert Chesterton
Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we".
Mark Twain
Life is rather like a can of sardines: we're all of us looking for the key.
Alan Bennett
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Mark Twain
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
Homer Simpson
There are terrible temptations which it requires strength and courage to yield to.
Oscar Wilde
Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.
Mark Twain
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.
Wendy Wasserstein
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.
Samuel Butler
The only way of catching a train I ever discovered is to miss the train before.
Gilbert Chesterton
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